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Wash your danglers!

Okay gentlemen, let me be clear about this: YOU NEED TO WASH YOURSELF!

That being said, you need to make sure you use your head appropriately and by head I mean the northern-most point in your body! It does not matter if you already showered a couple hours previously, your body temperature is 98 degrees! Add in the fact that your ‘bat and balls’ are being compressed to your body by underwear (for those that wear underwear) or at the very least by your pants. It becomes a greenhouse of unpleasantness!

If you have a lady friend or significant other you are trying to gain some alone time with, and by “alone time” I mean some skin-to-skin alone time, you do NOT want to be stinky. This point is especially important if you expect your significant other to go all karaoke with your Mr. Microphone! Understand what I am saying?

If you neglect to ‘freshen up’ prior to your ‘cardio-program’, you may become quite embarrassed AND pretty much guarantee your significant other will never ‘sing karaoke’ again with you. Understand now?

It does not take much for you to excuse yourself and go into your bathroom, lather up some soap and a washcloth and give your danglers a good once over. You should really cover that entire area and cover it well. You do not want to be known as the stinky friend that everyone points and laughs at. You will know you are the stinky friend when all of a sudden people start calling you by nicknames you have never heard before, such as:

Stinky-Kiwi, Garbage-Bag, Swamp-crotch, Stank-bank, Rotten-Sack, etc.

You definitely want to avoid running to your bathroom and dousing yourself with Axe body spray or cologne because then you are only expressing how little you care about your significant other. Cologne may mask the smell, but it does not fool anyone. No one wants to mess around with someone who reeks of cologne or perfume, because that usually means that person cares little to properly clean themselves.

Avoid thinking you are smarter than the average bear by dunking your donuts into powder because when your significant other goes spelunking only to find a bakery presentation in your pants, you may have to move to a state where no one knows you. Matter of fact, if you do try to perfume/cologne it up, you might as well delete your Facebook account and every other social media account because your name will be synonymous with stanky-cherries and you would never get another date again.

So, if you ever plan on having fun with someone you care for (or don’t care for, I don’t judge), always have an emergency kit in your vehicle for when you are not going to be in your own home. Maintain the necessities: wet wipes, toilet paper, breath mints, water and condoms.

To recap:

Wash your fuzzy-nectarines prior to interacting with a significant other, have your emergency kit in your vehicle and stocked with appropriate items and it wouldn’t hurt to keep your fur trimmed and looking neat. We are not cavemen any longer, dreadlocks are not sexy.

 

 

 

 

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Always Late!

Question: MD from Florida asks: “My spouse is always late, for everything, and does not think that it is a big deal. It IS a big deal to me and drives me crazy. How can I get him to be on time, or at least understand why it is important to me?”

Answer: Well MD from Florida, punctuality is not a priority to everyone. Since it drives you crazy that your spouse cares little about being somewhere on time, you should probably ask yourself some questions, such as:

-When do they seem to care the least about being somewhere on time?
-Do they do this deliberately because he knows it drives me crazy?
-Is it just laziness?

You see MD, your spouse may just despise going places with you and this is their way of showing you how much they dislike it. By showing that they are in no rush to go somewhere, it is an indication that they do actually realize it drives you crazy and they are invested in doing this every time something is time sensitive, so you NEVER ask them to go out with you again.

What you may find is that your spouse simply does not like to go to garden centers on a nice Saturday to look at plants all day. They may not like to visit with your parents every weekend. They may completely despise your friends and would rather pierce their tongue with a rusted pitchfork, rather than listen to another story from your friend, who’s incessant ramblings about her cat and how she dresses her up in Elizabethan-era clothing for her Facebook page is ‘her whole life’!

Being a full service spouse means knowing if something is bothering your spouse. Facial expressions, loud sighs, rolling of the eyes, yelling and attempted stabbings are a great indication that your spouse is unhappy. Take that hint and make plans to do those things that you want to do but make your spouse miserable, without them.

Or you could just change the time on their watch, alarm clocks and clock inside the vehicle to 15 minutes earlier and increase the chances that they will arrive on time. Doing this may not make them happier, but at least it will get their ungrateful ass to where you need them to be, on time!

 

 

 

Idiot-Proof Stuffed Chicken Dinner

First off, the image for this recipe is not a chicken, it is a cock, so I must advise that you stop looking at my cock and get to the recipe below!

Many men today have minimal abilities in the kitchen, which is surprising since all we men truly desire is to have food to eat and someone to touch us in our special place! We are simple creatures with minimal requirements…well for most of us anyway. If you are trying to impress a woman, or significant person in your life (we don’t judge), creating a meal will fool that person into believing that you are skilled. Not 007-kill a secret agent with a dart made out of fingernail clippings and ear wax-skilled, but skilled nonetheless.

Lets start with what you will need (other than the obvious ‘must-haves’ such as: fingers, hands, pan, oven, pots, pans, plates, silverware, plates and a place to cook, you know, like a kitchen or something) for groceries. You cannot just start cooking something without an idea of what sides you want with it and, probably just as important, what you want to serve with the main dish. A vegetable or two is recommended and with this dish specifically you could get away with simplicity and still WOW the other person with your abilities!

Prior to you creating your menu, it is advisable to ask the other person what they like to eat, specifically what protein their prefer. At this point, many men will be chuckling to ourselves and quick to throw out a suggestion that may not be considered ‘appealing’ to someone else. This is because we are juvenile, or as we like to refer to it: young at heart with a great sense of humor! With that being said, if you do not understand where that was going, consider yourself lucky…or in the dark, either way, let’s get moving on this.

Ask if they eat meat, specifically chicken. If they say they are vegan or vegetarian you should reply immediately with: “That’s okay, I’m married anyways, I was just asking” and move on with your life trying to find someone who is not insane. If they choose meat such as beef or pork, then stop reading this recipe because this dish is chicken, you moron! Is it chicken? Good, keep reading:

SHE LIKES CHICKEN, awesome!

Go to the store and pick up the following groceries:

1 package of chicken breasts
1 Zucchini
1 Package of Stove Top Stuffing (chicken)
1 Jar of spaghetti sauce (any flavor will work)
1 Package of butter
1 Package of shredded cheese

Note: if you do not already have non-stick spray, I suggest picking some up. The same thing goes for tin foil.

Directions:
-Cook the stuffing as it explains on the package (some butter will be used in the cooking of the stuffing)
-Place tin foil onto a cookie sheet and spray some non-stick spray onto the tin foil
-Remove the chicken breasts from their package and trim off any excess fat around the edges.
-Filet the chicken breasts (this means to slice the breast in half, along the side of the chicken but not all of the way through the chicken) and set aside. I feel at this point I should explain this better.

NOTE: fileting a chicken breast is easy, however, in the hopes of stopping you from slicing your hand open, stabbing yourself in your liver or you accidentally circumcising your cat, here is a recommended way to filet a chicken breast:

Take the breast and lay is flat onto your cutting board and place your hand on top of the breast. Take a sharp knife and from the front (the point furthest away from you) of the chicken, from the side, insert the tip of the knife most of the way through the breast (horizontal to the cutting board and your hand) and slice towards yourself slowly. You are not slicing all of the way through the other side of the chicken. This will allow you to ‘open’ the breast in order to stuff it. Got it? We will wait until you get the bandages applied to your cuts before continuing.

Pre-heat your oven to 375 degrees.

Now that you were successful in your filet-attempts, ‘open’ the chicken breasts so the top half is folded away from the bottom half. Take a tablespoon of the stuffing and spoon it into the open filets. Place a decent amount of stuffing into the filet. This is the reason why you would not need a starch with this dish, the stuffing makes up for that need.

Once each breast has been stuffed, fold the top half of the breasts over the stuffing. Toothpicks could be used to hold the top and bottom halves together, but it does not matter too much. Place the stuffed breasts onto the tin foil/pan and ensure there is space between each breast.

Shake a little salt and pepper over the breasts (after you washed the dead chicken juice off of your hands) and place the pan into the oven.

Depending on the thickness of the chicken breasts, the cooking times will vary. The vital part of cooking chicken is that the chicken MUST be fully cooked. I am pretty sure you will not be impressing the other person with violent diarrhea, painful gas and projectile vomiting. I am also sure you can bet there will not be a second date. To ensure the chicken is cooked through, a meat thermometer is recommended, which will have a dial that shows you the ‘safe zones’ of each meat. USE IT!

While the chicken is cooking, take the zucchini and slice the ends off and discard (if you are really trying to impress the other person, who may be green-friendly, tell them that you compost the ends. This shows them that you care about the environment) to the side. Slice the zucchini in half and those halves in half and so forth. You want to end up with slices that are about 1/2 inch wide. These cook relatively quickly so you don’t need to start cooking them yet, you want to make sure everything is done close to the same time.

Put some butter on the bottom of the pan (or impress the other person by putting about a tablespoon of olive oil into the pan instead) and place the zucchini into the pan. If using oil, once you place the zucchini into the pan, flip them over so the tops have oil on them. This will allow you to salt and pepper this side.

Once the chicken is up to temperature, remove the pan from the oven and place onto the stove. Take out the spaghetti sauce, open it and spoon a liberal amount of sauce over each chicken breast to cover the entire breast.

Turn on the burner underneath the pan with the Zucchini, onto the medium setting.

Take the shredded cheese and put it over the chicken breasts and place the pan back into the over. At this point in time you can shut the oven off. The heat in the oven will melt the cheese on top of the chicken breasts.

As the Zucchini is cooking, use tongs to lift up the slices to see if the bottoms of each slice has gotten darker. Once they have gotten darker, flip each slice and add your salt and pepper to the topside. Once the bottoms have gotten darker, the zucchini should be done and not overcooked. You want the zucchini to still have some firmness, rather than turn to mush in your mouth when you are eating them.

Once the zucchini is done, you will want to remove your chicken breasts from the oven and place onto the stove. This allows for easy plating.

Divide the zucchini up and layer them onto the plate. Take a chicken breast and place it onto each plate as well. Since these are chicken breasts, you will need to provide a knife to successfully get through the breast, to create bite-sized nibbles.

You should be proud of your attempts, especially if you did not have to call the fire department or the CDC.

If you are unsure of this recipe, you should probably cook it for yourself first. This way you can gain the knowledge of how long the chicken took to cook and get to temperature. It also allows you to taste it first, which would give you an idea of which beverage may go with this dish. If you are a wine drinker, many would say white wine goes with chicken and fish, however, because of the other ingredients in this dish that may not work well. Beer would go well with this dish, as well as red wine. Actually, any drink goes with this dish. Don’t be such a food snob that you think that you need to act traditionally!

If all goes well, this dish will provide you with a very easy way towards impressing your date.

Note: It is advised that you hide anything you may have in your medicine cabinet because your date will go through your cabinet. This also means you should probably avoid placing Magnum condoms in your cabinet, trying to make it seem you have more ‘sausage’ to offer than you actually do. Remember, your date will be telling everyone she/he knows about this date, using their own versions of course, so you want the version of you to come off as being the hero, not zero.

This recipe works well and it is not difficult, which means if you screw it up then you should probably stick to ordering pizza for your date and relying on delivery so you do not starve to death.