Wash your danglers!

Okay gentlemen, let me be clear about this: YOU NEED TO WASH YOURSELF!

That being said, you need to make sure you use your head appropriately and by head I mean the northern-most point in your body! It does not matter if you already showered a couple hours previously, your body temperature is 98 degrees! Add in the fact that your ‘bat and balls’ are being compressed to your body by underwear (for those that wear underwear) or at the very least by your pants. It becomes a greenhouse of unpleasantness!

If you have a lady friend or significant other you are trying to gain some alone time with, and by “alone time” I mean some skin-to-skin alone time, you do NOT want to be stinky. This point is especially important if you expect your significant other to go all karaoke with your Mr. Microphone! Understand what I am saying?

If you neglect to ‘freshen up’ prior to your ‘cardio-program’, you may become quite embarrassed AND pretty much guarantee your significant other will never ‘sing karaoke’ again with you. Understand now?

It does not take much for you to excuse yourself and go into your bathroom, lather up some soap and a washcloth and give your danglers a good once over. You should really cover that entire area and cover it well. You do not want to be known as the stinky friend that everyone points and laughs at. You will know you are the stinky friend when all of a sudden people start calling you by nicknames you have never heard before, such as:

Stinky-Kiwi, Garbage-Bag, Swamp-crotch, Stank-bank, Rotten-Sack, etc.

You definitely want to avoid running to your bathroom and dousing yourself with Axe body spray or cologne because then you are only expressing how little you care about your significant other. Cologne may mask the smell, but it does not fool anyone. No one wants to mess around with someone who reeks of cologne or perfume, because that usually means that person cares little to properly clean themselves.

Avoid thinking you are smarter than the average bear by dunking your donuts into powder because when your significant other goes spelunking only to find a bakery presentation in your pants, you may have to move to a state where no one knows you. Matter of fact, if you do try to perfume/cologne it up, you might as well delete your Facebook account and every other social media account because your name will be synonymous with stanky-cherries and you would never get another date again.

So, if you ever plan on having fun with someone you care for (or don’t care for, I don’t judge), always have an emergency kit in your vehicle for when you are not going to be in your own home. Maintain the necessities: wet wipes, toilet paper, breath mints, water and condoms.

To recap:

Wash your fuzzy-nectarines prior to interacting with a significant other, have your emergency kit in your vehicle and stocked with appropriate items and it wouldn’t hurt to keep your fur trimmed and looking neat. We are not cavemen any longer, dreadlocks are not sexy.